- I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can’t take this away.
- What do you say to a graduate of the U.C. Berkeley Physics Department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.
- My aunt and uncle were married sixty-three years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.
- When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.
- I’ll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun.
- I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day I can see my ears.
- At the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.
- Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season ‘til we were grateful it ended.
- Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?